Mixed Emotions....

This is a mixture of all the various posts I wanted to write in the past. Only I couldn't write it because one of my best ideas (pun intended) strike me when I am either in the middle of a bath or when I am about to sleep. So one of the things I figured while introspecting in my half sleep was that one of the worst things to loose in life is to loose 'hope'. This probably would be better understood by those people who have actually lost one. It would be difficult for me to put it into words. Last night I messaged someone that I need to be free cause I want to let go of 'the hope'. This also reminds of another topic I wanted to write on. That is subconsciously even though I keep saying this to myself that there is no replacement for anyone in my life. However when that someone goes who actually created a pocket in the heart you keep hoping that you will find someone to fill up that void. And that may not be deliberate or intentional most of the times. I don't know about all of us but I would choose to believe that most of us do.

That's why I have never been able to recover from my various associations in life and that's why I take more time in coming out of it then getting into it. I think I need a blog which solves the purpose of a twitter too. I have a different thought everyday which doesn't require a whole post dedicated to it, but still want to tweet and let my alter ego know.

This also reminds me that I do have a split personality of a case most of the times. Don't know again if its true for any of us. My other personality could be actually stark different from what I portray or show. I really really wish I could make the world read these lines of mine. It would be so nice to find someone share my thoughts and tell me that I am not the only one eccentric out there. And that there are more people like me so its perfectly normal to be insanely normal. Whatever said than done I would use this as twitter too since cant afford to use other of my public social networking websites.

What Women Want....

While I was actually thinking of hiring a boyfriend (no I am not joking). Since its so tuff to find a good guy these days. Might as well pay for it, at least I’ll have someone to bank on. A friend of mine, who runs a recruitment firm, came out with this funny or rather unique suggestion of helping me out in hiring the same. By the way I don’t think those days are too far, when there would be recruitment firms who would get into full fledged bf/husband hiring, for not so lucky in love, spinsters. Cause at the end of the day whether you want to accept it or not, gals like us do crave for someone to be close to. Anyway so because this friend of mine is helping me in fishing a suitable candidate for the post, and since I am serious about it, he actually coaxed me to pen down the JD for the prospective hire. Here is my list of key requirements, and these are all part of my needs and not greed (as he said J).
1. Intelligent – Above average intelligence is a must. Should be sharp, quick witted and spontaneous. If has a gift of gab nothing like it. Doesn’t mean he needs to be an extrovert.
2. Well groomed – hygienic, impeccable table manners, polished, neatly dressed, no piercing, no tattoos, clean shoes, clean socks, well manicured (not necessarily heterosexual / consciously fashionable). in short simple, smart and sophisticated.
3. Respect for woman /people – he could be a playboy but that doesn’t mean for him woman are only for bed. He should treat opposites and even the same race with equality and dignity.
4. Broad minded – hypocrisy is a complete no-no in men. So is the dual rule book.
5. Well educated – for me education goes a longer way then riches if given a choice. Cause I seriously think money cannot buy you class, and education / good breeding can never go wrong.
6. Grounded – A little arrogance is alright for the world. But shouldn’t be snooty like narcissist.
7. Agony aunt – should be willing to listen to me whenever I have the urge to crib without blaming me every now and then.
8. Caring – should be willing to pamper me and spend on me unlike in all my previous relations where I was the one wore pants always.
9. Vocal and demonstrative – I don’t mind shy guys but that doesn’t mean he is stingy in complimenting once in a while or not demonstrative enough in love and affection.
10. Best friend – should be my best friend before more than anything else. I should be able to talk to him and tell him anything under the sun without the fear of being judged.
11. Financially independent – very important should be willing to support me in case I don’t want to work, and I shouldn’t be working to support the family or as a bread winner but for my own additional income.
12. Lastly, should love me unconditionally without too many amendments.
Thanks buddy for instigating me to pen down this list. It actually got me thinking, I wish I had done this earlier. And I hope its not too much to ask for.

Ugly, fat and depreciating......

The time when you are sulking over something and the vent, I think that’s the worst period one can imagine. Its like the constant prick you keep feeling till the doctor actually comes and takes it out. And when you don’t have any doctor to take out that prick it becomes like dent in your soul. Which later on becomes a part of your personality trait. I can atleast remember n number of people who have tried to pull me out of this constant inferiority complex, but I also know double the no of people who constantly as well pull me down even if I want to come out. And those people are those whose opinion is like a line from the bible. Which cannot be amended or questioned. Though I still keep wondering how deep is this sanctum. Whats my outer limit. And how much worse it can get. I have given up on the first item of my things to do wishlist before I die. Because at the end of 30s something you are no more a dreamer and you know your own weaknesses and high points if any. Only that I am loosing the virtue of called forgiveness. Though being the revenge kinds is still a long way to go. Cause it would need a lot of guts. And if I had the guts I wont be here for sure. Cribbing to my blog. I just so hate my existence and the fact that I am so gullible. And now I have equally concerned people around me who are ready to tell this to my offspring how worthless it is. Or how incompetent/shameless/oh I am finding it difficult to express it in words, I can be. Not to forget the worst kinda creation in any mankind. I am not afraid of death now. I know this one would be catered, that too better than me. But even god calls his best pupils and leaves the rest to rot in hell. And no this has got nothing to do with my cancelled date after two months plus or my withdrawal symptoms, it’s the general sense of ecstasy that I feel these days. I am sure regulars ones know how much of a sadist I m who loves her indulgences like self sympathy, self pity, self dissections etc etc. stay happy people, especially those who’ve managed to cut ties with me. And those who cannot I ll try make my existence non-existent.

Does happy endings only happen in bad books, flop movies and distant dreams. Gals like me who grow up reading mb novels and watching sidey romantic movies, still never give up on the hope that its true for in real life too. My pet line ‘main hoon na’ though nobody is there for me ever whenever I need him/her. Then why do I feel that someday someone would be there for me. Why cant I give up all hopes and accept the fact that no prince charming is going to come in a shining armor on white horse. I got to believe that it only happens in fantasies which never suppose to come true anyway. There is no such thing called soul mate and true love. The worse part is that I am still hanging on.
Thank god again this is an anonymous blog.

Gift of GAB...

“I don’t know how to make friends and if I do, I don’t know how to keep them….If a friend is upset with me it’s 100 per cent my fault but I can’t pick up the phone and say sorry…. I can’t apologise because of ego but because I can’t just get myself to ask people to come back to me…”
I think I have finally found the person whom I can idealize in the Indian context. Irrespective of his hazaar discrepancies, SRK for me is THE man who comes closest to justifying the phrase ‘gift of gab’. These few words mentioned above actually connected deep down me. Something I should have actually known for a very long time, only he put it in so many words now.
I have always believed effective communication is when you can convey your point in as little words as possible. Cause when you speak too much or too long the purpose of the conversation is lost. And for me its very important to hold the attention of the listener and yet have him gasping for more. I remember my English teacher told me that if you want to avoid making grammatical errors in your writing. Then you should avoid making long sentences. And I have followed this like fundamental rule of writing in my life. Which obviously goes for verbal communication too.
Wit, sarcasm, presence of mind, and spontaneity not to forget a good grasp of the language are some of the qualities I value and want to inculcate than any other quality. But sure it’s a long way to go. Plus it sometimes backfires and the only way to practice it, is to be up there higher on the top. :)

Eve of 18/02....

I feel like a rotten kid who is facing community boycott. Never been more depressed on the eve of my birthday than this day. No actually I cant compare cause my birthday always depresses me. And with each passing year there are more reasons to it. It wouldn’t be incorrect to say that I haven’t gone from bad to worse over the years when it comes to curtailing expectations. Only this time I am going to fake it all the more and control my urges to fight with people who wish me. A little pandit told me about sometime back that 33 is going to be a good no for me. If saat khoon were maaf for me then that bugger would definitely figure on that list. Have deleted all the traces of the day, bad luck shown on my parents from fb, still I know that it would be a relay race tomorrow. Thanks to my dear friends (I mean it) who I in my good times have seen the better of me, have started wishing me already. For the fear of world coming to an end tomorrow. A friend of mine or should I say an ex-friend of mine had her status tag that he/she is fluent in languages like sarcasm and profanity. I so wanted to tell him/her honey it backfires majorly at time, but I am sure he/she is sensible enough not to be loud mouth and not to use on anybody or everybody. If revenge was my strong point, I would definitely made some people have the taste of their own medicine. Since even blogging is not helping this time. But I am just another looser who can do nothing but sulk and make my blog cry hoarse. I need a therapist for sure. Who atleast would listen to me.

In the making.....

A girl who could easily make friends till sometime ago is a not so popular one now. Is that what mid life crisis does to you. In addition to loosing all the current contact, at 30s something you find it really hard to socialise with anyone who is but likeminded. Saying ‘sorry’ also doesn’t come easily and even if you capitulate some gutts to say it, its never accepted. and you don’t know whome to blame me myself or irene or the rest of the world or a specific timing and circumstances. I keep saying ‘detachment’ is one art I am slowly and steadily mastering but in reality it is the other way round. With the amount of emotional investment each relationship takes its hard to see youself loosing slowly and steadily on the verge of bankruptcy. Thank you blog that you don’t punish me for putting my big foot in my mouth or not meeting up my commitments.
A friend of mine had been forcing me lately to start writing professionally. Since the timing is so right these days it might just turn out to be a masterpiece for all you know. And I give him/her lame execuse like who is going to publish it. I hadnt understood the meaning of the word ‘recluse’ till I actually started finding solace in being one. If there was a public forum besides my blog which nobody reads (thank god for it) I would have really struggled to say the five letter word called ‘sorry’ to all those I have really made happy in my journey of being one. This post reminds of a saying ‘good riddens to bad rubbish’ which I am sure most people who have been associated with me are echoing now. I hope not. If at all unspoken/spoken words would speak louder than actions. I would not be so much of a looser in life. I wish I could communicate so easily with all those people who matter and who I have lost, including my parents to tell them how much I care and love. Now the one thing which makes the first thing to do in my to do list of things you want to do before you die, is ‘I hope I can make some people proud’……